There is a time and place for persuasive arguments, and I will argue that right now is not necessarily the best time or place, even though it may seem like exactly the time to 'help others see things our way". Don't stop reading because you disagree. Stick with me. This may not end where you think.
In a world where derision and division are at 'epidemic' proportions (pardon the pun), it might be best to consider how, when, and why we might expend energy trying to persuade someone to embrace our particular point of view. Whether it is mask wearing, quarantining, school closing, voting, reforming police forces, protecting monuments, or any other number of hot button items in the 2020 shit show, or the social media '2020 Bingo Card', we all probably have some rather specific and possibly intense beliefs. And the intensity this year seems to be pretty high for most topics. I read a protracted and heavily debated twitter thread about yes/no to pineapple on pizza the other day. I didn't realize there were so many people with animated ideas about pizza toppings. But here we are in the 2020 High Intensity race to fill your Bingo card, or defeat someone in a discussion about anything. Including pineapple on pizza.
Why are our discussions so heated? Well, there are a lot of reasons, of course. One being our individual and cumulative fatigue about being limited in our social engagements (at least those people who are still choosing to abide by CDC guidelines). It taxes our patience and our compassion when we cannot enjoy our leisure time or social life. Then, of course, there are the worries over health and health care, employment, food and housing security, elections, fitness, school... well, all this worrying has made all of us a bit testy. I know I am, for certain. Some days I wake up grateful I have a career that allows me to work from home, which means I have food and housing security, and meaning. Other days I wake up angry that I have to take the dog outside before having a cup of coffee. The smallest of things can set us off when we are battling pandemic fatigue!
Back to my point. Persuasion: Should we or shouldn't we, now. There are several issues we are facing as a world and as a country in the US that have the potential to hugely impact our lives on a very personal level. COVID-19 being one major issue on a long list of major issues facing us right now. We will use this one particular issue as an example for today's point.
If you follow the science, you know that wearing a mask and social distancing are responsible and respectful acts that each of us can do to protect ourselves and others from infection from this potentially deadly virus. As a result, you wear a mask and practice social distancing. If you don't follow or believe the science, well, you don't think that wearing a mask or social distancing are necessary, and you probably don't practice either of these behaviors. Whether you trust the science or not, that belief will influence your behaviors, which are outwardly very obvious to others. When you see behaviors that demonstrate either a trust or lack of trust in the science of masking and distancing, you are likely to feel compelled to say something. To persuade someone to change their mind. To get them to behave the way you believe to be important, and to believe what you believe about the science. To believe the science and mask, or to distrust the science and not mask. Either way, you may feel very compelled to act on this desire to persuade someone, or a group of someones, to change their mind and thus their behavior(s).
That compulsion can be very strong. Trust me, I fight it. A lot. But, think before you act. I am NOT saying don't act. I am simply saying THINK.BEFORE.YOU.ACT. Think critically, to be exact. Take some lessons from the science of critical thinking.
First, what is your goal in persuading someone to change their mind? This is important, as it influences your tactics, which influences the outcomes.
Is it to prove you are right, because you just like being right? Well, that will be a tough sell on such an emotionally and politically charged topic. At the very least, it will be a long drawn out persuasive process that will not yield quick results, so be prepared. If your motivation is 'being right' because you simply like being right, that sounds like a personality trait. And one that is easy to pick up on by the people you are attempting to persuade. The typical response to this is to push back. Hard. You like being right? Well, I like proving you wrong just because you are so invested in being right. See what I mean? Be careful!
Are you guided by a somewhat unconscious desire to control something (the conversation, the other person's behaviors/ideas) because you feel so out of control right now? I hear ya. That is not uncommon. Human beings behave this way pretty regularly, without realizing it. When our world feels out of control, we seek control in any way possible. This motivation probably won't end well, so again, think before you act. If control is what you are looking for, seek it elsewhere.
Is your goal to contribute to the greater good by getting someone to behave in a way that you think is wiser, safer, or generally better for the person as well as society? That sounds very well intended. It still may take some time to persuade, so be patient. But your intention does matter, and in this case, if you are trying to persuade someone to change their mind for a reason outside of your self, you are more likely to be successful than if the person you are trying to persuade thinks you have some selfish motive. Sort of like a car salesman telling you the many benefits of the car sitting on the lot. Do you trust him, because he has something to gain from the transaction (commission).
After you have considered your motivation, think about your tactic. How will you persuade? I won't get into the details here, because it isn't part of the larger point I want to make. But do understand that your tactics matter. How you go about persuading is sometimes even more important than why. Well intended people motivated to persuade for reasons outside themselves (for instance, for the other person's safety or best interests) can fail miserably at persuading because of the way they try to persuade. So, think this one through. Very carefully.
One tactic that I DO want to talk about is modeling. You can change someone's mind without saying one word, but by behaving in a way that demonstrates a belief. Just keep wearing that mask. Every time you walk out the door. Every time that person sees you, they see you wearing a mask. No words need part from your lips for them to recognize that you think masking is important. Left to their own devices, they may even feel comfortable enough, over time, to ask you about the mask. A simple: "Yes, I always wear one when I leave home. It's no big deal. I have some really cool ones that I have come to like, and I have had fun finding masks with funny images or sayings." Done. You don't have to say anything about the fact you have never seen them wear a mask. No judgement. No condemnation. Human beings are much more open to persuasion when they don't feel judged or pressured. Research has shown that to be the case over and over again.
So, maybe you really want to shout out loud: "Wear your damn mask!" or "WTF, you are going on vacation during a pandemic?". Don't do it. You may release some of your pent up anger or frustration in that comment, but you have stirred a pot that won't likely end with any changes in the other person's behavior.
You want to persuade someone? Here is the strategy with the least amount of conflict, divisiveness, or even effort.
Model what you hope others to do. Consistently. And be nice. You might be surprised at the outcomes!
So, today's takeaway is NOT to avoid persuading others. We are living in a time ripe with conflict that requires some sort of resolution, so yes, we need to persuade. But the best way to do that when you are fighting to survive in a pandemic and all the other chaos this year, is not to use your precious energy fighting with someone. Model the behavior you wish to see. Wear the mask. Distance. Vote. Practice kindness. Let your values manifest in your daily living, and others will see it loud and proud. Don't hide from the difficult conversations you may face, but remember that how and when we try to persuade others is important. And the most effective way we can persuade is by living what we believe. Whatever that is.
Be well, stay safe, and take care.
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