Welcome to Week #1 of the 4 week series on Adaptive Coping Strategies: Using Positive Psychology Research to Strengthen Our Resilience!
In this first week, we are going to focus on the upper left quadrant of the 4-part adaptive coping wheel I introduced last week (and you can see above). As you can see, in this quadrant, we have 4 components: emotion approach, emotional expression, behavior regulation, and emotion regulation. We are going to look at those 4 components in today's blog, and talk about how you can access them for yourself!
These 4 components in the "How Do I Comfort Myself" quadrant are all going to tap into your personal abilities for self-comforting. If you believe you have good self-soothing strategies, this quadrant won't be difficult for you, but for many, this is an area in which there is a struggle, so we will tap into some empirically supported strategies to build your ability for self-comfort.
A broad explanation of this quadrant would be that adaptive strategies for coping with stress
include actively practicing self-care and regulation of distress. Some examples of ways we may do this include accepting our emotions, self-soothing, and constructively expressing emotions at the appropriate time and place.
So, how do we actively practice accepting our emotions, self-soothing and constructively expressing (behaving) these emotions at the appropriate time and place? Let's dig in...
First, in order to accept and manage our emotions, we must first be aware of them, and trust that they are important. There are many reasons, both genetically inherited personality traits and the effects of life experiences, that might challenge awareness and valuing of our own emotions, but the good news is that practice results in improvement.
Taking time each day to check in with yourself and your emotional experiences is a great way to strengthen your emotional awareness, to approach them as being a normal and important part of your daily life, and well-being. Check in, much like you might look at the gas and temperature gauges on your car when you are driving. Begin by setting aside 5-10 minutes each morning, afternoon, and evening to sit quietly and just 'check in'. What am I feeling right now? How would I describe my emotional experience at the moment? Is it something I believe is positive or negative? What is the source of this emotion?
After you have recognized your emotional experience, acknowledge that, whatever it is, it is important to you and does not need to be evaluated or judged. Your emotions are real, valid, and important, even if others don't think so. Practice accepting your emotions without analyzing them for value. They are valuable because they exist. If you struggle with this, try vocalizing to yourself this mantra: "My emotions are important to me. My emotions are valid just because they exist. No one else decides if they matter. They matter because I matter."
Because your emotions are important, regardless of what others think of them or you, practice self-compassion by accepting your emotional experiences, validating them (by recognizing they are important), and then avoid judging yourself for having them.
Think about how you would respond to your best friend if they told you they were having the same emotional experience you are having. What would you say to them? How would you console or encourage them? Now, do that for yourself. Human beings, generally, tend to be more compassionate to others than to themselves. I am guilty of this, as are many of us.
While recognizing and valuing our emotions are important practices, learning to regulate the expression of, or response to, our emotions is, too. Know when to express your emotions and when to dampen them, or save the expression for later. Think carefully about who you trust with your emotions before sharing them. It is definitely important to have someone in your life that you can trust with your emotional experiences, just know who they are first. And know when to share them. In the height of the emotional experience may not be the best time. Or when the person you wish to share them with is not available to really listen or respond (if they are at work, for example), it might be best to tell them you need to talk, and ask them to let them know when they are available. That way, you can be confident they are prepared to really listen, and be thoughtful in their response.
Take time before acting or responding to your emotional experience. Allowing our emotions to guide our behaviors, our decisions, our actions, can lead to regret later. In the heat of an emotional response, it is difficult, if not possible, to think about them or our actions. So, while I am encouraging you to take time to sit and contemplate your emotions, I am also encouraging you to sit and contemplate how you respond, if at all, in the midst of those emotional experiences. Often times, it is better to let your emotions sit for a bit before acting. As you mull them over, and consider what you might do with that emotional experience, give your brain time to catch up, time to brainstorm or think creatively about your options, and the impact(s) of those options.
You may want to yell loudly at someone, or post an emotionally-laden response on social media, but think that through for a few minutes first. If you are really adamant that you want/need to respond, type out the response and then save it as a draft. Then let it sit for a while before you consider if hitting 'post/tweet/send' is the best idea.
To wrap up today's post for pandemic resilience, I want to encourage you to invest each day this week in the strategies I have shared today. Build your inner strength, your ability to get through the onslaught of stressors we continue to face, by tapping into (or strengthening) your personal ability to self-comfort. You are worth it! Focus on each of the four components I noted at the beginning of this blog: emotion approach, emotional expression, behavior regulation, and emotion regulation. Approach your emotions with intention to be aware of them and to value them, express them to yourself, and to safe others when appropriate, and take time to consider what, if anything, you want to do with the emotional experiences you are having (share them, save them, act on them).
The more you practice these skills, the better you will get at them, just like any other skill set. Our ability to practice these self-comforting strategies will become more obvious over time - your sleep will improve, your patience will improve, your self-confidence and and overall mood will likely improve, and your body will respond with kindness. Your cortisol (stress hormone) levels will likely be less variable and more tolerable. You may find that you will have fewer unhealthy responses to your emotions, such as self-defeating behaviors (quitting, not trying, for example), stress eating or drinking, or lashing out at others.
Give it a try! And next week, we will move on to the next quadrant in the coping wheel: problem solving and information seeking actions. Until then...
Be well, stay safe, and take care!
**Many thanks to the resources provided by positivepsychology.com. Check them out!
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