Welcome to Week 3 of our month long journey toward greater resilience! In the first two weeks, we tackled using our intra-personal skills for self-comfort and taking action through information seeking and problem solving. This week, I will focus on our available options when taking action hasn't uncovered any clear strategies to resolve our situation(s). These options, categorized as accommodation and negotiation, may also help us manage our stress while also accessing our self-comforting strategies and our actions. Or, help us manage stress that we cannot control, such as, living in a pandemic!
As we consider a persistent stressor (like political or civil unrest, or a pandemic and all of its consequences), or one that is outside of our control, it may be time to evaluate our options, both internally, as we consider ways to cope with the unrelenting realities, or externally, with others involved or responsible for the stressor (a partner, a child, a coworker or boss).
First, lets consider negotiation (bargaining, persuasion, and priority setting): ways we
may be able to rethink our circumstance, or influence others to help alleviate the source of our stress.
Bargaining: We may bargain with ourselves, or with others. Bargaining with others may be a way of reducing or eliminating the source of our stress (trading shifts with a co-worker, sharing chores with a roommate or partner).
Bargaining with ourselves may be a way of negotiating a settlement when we cannot control what is happening. For instance, we may tell ourselves that persevering through a difficult time or circumstance will be rewarded with something we enjoy or something meaningful after it is over. Continuing to mask and socially distance, giving up travel opportunities during spring break, or getting a vaccination may be rewarded by taking an awesome trip or special treat when it is safe to do so. Or, instead of waiting to reward, you may tell yourself that skipping all of those fun things now will be instantly rewarded with a special treat to yourself right now (whatever your safe yet guilty pleasure might be).
Persuading others may be a part of your bargaining strategy: finding ways for them to see the benefit in agreeing to your bargain is a great way to come to agreement on a particular pathway that helps you manage or alleviate the source of your stress. What is in it for them? If you switch shifts or tasks with a co-worker, what do they stand to gain from this? That is where persuasion helps you negotiate away the source of your stress! This may require that you spend some time getting to know their needs or wants, to that you may provide the appropriate persuasion for them- or just ask them outright what you might do to persuade them to help you!
It may be necessary for you to consider the need to set or reset your priorities, given the current circumstances (or help someone reevaluate their priorities in order to help you, which requires some skillful persuasion).
We all have priorities, whether we are aware of them or not. We may implicitly be driven to make decisions or behave in ways that support our priorities, or we may explicitly use our priorities to drive our decision making and behaviors. The latter is probably the most effective way to fulfill your goals and priorities. We all have some degree of unconscious or implicit prioritization happening in our lives. However, when we are consciously aware of our priorities, it can help us avoid distraction, push through difficulties, and find the internal resilience to accomplish our goals. Especially when we hit obstacles that make fulfilling our priorities challenging.
Sometimes, we must consider whether the stress or challenge that is plaguing us is a signal that we need to reconsider our priorities/goals. Research on life satisfaction indicates that being open to shifts in priorities/values/purpose is a great predictor of living a good life. We all may be able to point to a time in our lives where circumstances got in the way of our ability to meet a goal, in which case we had to decide if we could overcome the circumstance or if it would be better to alter our goals. When the circumstances are outside of our control, being open to a "Plan B" is often in our best interest. Standing firm in the pursuit of a goal that has insurmountable challenge blocking your way seems to be illogical, albeit it can be emotionally challenging to admit it is time to give up on "Plan A" and resort to "Plan B" (or Plan C, Plan D...Plan Z). Only you can know when the priorities you have for yourself are worth pursuing through the circumstances or when it is best to take an alternate course.
If you determine that taking an alternate approach to the source of your stress is the best strategy, you might find using some of the tips for accommodation (distraction, cognitive restructuring, minimization, acceptance/surrender) to be very helpful. Accommodation can also be helpful while you are negotiating, taking action (week 2), or as part of your emotion regulation (week 1)!
I use each of these strategies quite a bit, especially during this past year that has been fraught with stressful circumstances for all of us. I find that, and research supports this, distracting myself by staying busy with other tasks not only helps me manage my stress, but also allows for my brain to problem solve creatively, unconsciously. It turns out, according to creativity research, that distraction can allow our brain time to unconsciously work through problem solving without our conscious mind interfering (by quickly tossing out possibilities too soon). This time away from the problem is called a period of incubation.
Distraction can also allow your body time to process the cortisol (stress hormone) produced when you are facing a stressful situation. Cortisol is our body's response to a stressful situation and is part of the fight or flight response our ancestors used quite often when fighting off bears or lions, etc. Cortisol helps us prepare for battle or to run from danger, but it also clouds our judgement by focusing myopically on the danger at hand without allow us to look at the 'larger picture', or how our response to the danger at hand will impact us in the future. Cortisol can also cause physical damage to our body, but that is a topic for another day.
If we distract ourselves, we may give our body enough time to process the high doses of cortisol running through our body, return to a more normal level, and then think through our situation more clearly.
Another helpful tactic is to use cognitive restructuring to help us deal with the situation. Cognitive restructuring means to stop, take some time to think through our emotional experience and our thoughts, and consider if there are any errors in our thinking, or cognition, on the situation. Sometimes, especially during prolonged stressful circumstances, or if we have had a difficult childhood, we may experience cognitive distortions. Some of those distortions include: overgeneralization, catastrophizing, jumping to conclusions, discounting the positives, exaggerating, or emotional reasoning. These can really cloud our judgement, and amplify our stress response. This is not helpful (for more information on cognitive restructuring, click here).
One great way to avoid or curtail these distortions, or to cognitively restructure your thinking about your stressful circumstance, is to write down how you are feeling and what you are thinking. After you have written these things down, try to dispute or dispel them. Analyze them. Am I using my emotions to guide my interpretation of this situation, or am I looking at the facts? What is the worst that could happen if I am catastrophizing here? What are some other ways to think about this situation? Am I overestimating the situation, or underestimating my ability to manage this? Am I looking at this situation as a 'black or white' circumstance, or are there other ways to think about the possible outcomes?
If you find that you use these cognitive distortions a lot, you may want to consider regular practice of these tips above, finding a good therapist to help you strengthen your ability to work through or avoid these distortions, and also, meditation helps!
Minimization, another strategy that can help us accommodate the stress we are feeling, is actually helpful with regard to cognitive distortions, though be careful not to incorrectly use this to minimize your perception of the impact something is truly having on your life. Don't make the mistake of thinking you need to make light of the difficulties you are experiencing in this circumstance. Your needs are important!
Thinking about how to minimize the impact the circumstance has on your life is a good strategy. If the stressor is a person in your life, for instance, find ways to reduce the amount of time you spend with them, so you limit the amount of stress you experience. That may not be easy, if the person that is the source of your stress is a family member or co-worker, but you may still be able to find ways to limit your interactions with them. This past year, many of us have experienced the realization that people we care about may have very different ideas about the pandemic, political unrest, civil unrest, or some other circumstance. This can also be a source of stress for you, and while I would not necessarily recommend shutting people out of your life for this reason, you may find that you can minimize your stress by avoiding conversations that highlight those ideological differences.
Finally, sometimes we need to recognize that we need to accept or surrender to a situation, recognizing that we cannot change or avoid it. Accepting a situation, or person, for the unchanging circumstance that it is, may be the best way of dealing with your stress. Only you can know for sure if the situation requires acceptance or surrender, or requires action of some sort. Just know that sometimes, accepting the situation is the best strategy for your mental health. It is not a sign of weakness, it is likely a sign of strength or wisdom that you know how to pick your battles.
That is it for today! I hope this week's tips are helpful for you, as we continue to persevere after 1 year + in a pandemic, and continued civil and political uncertainty. 2021 looks like it may be better than 2020, as long as we all continue to make wise choices and listen to the science! :)
As always-
Be well, stay safe, and take care.
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