This week we will complete our 4-week journey through some empirically supported strategies for healthy coping during stressful times. I hope the first 3 weeks have been illuminating and helpful. This week, we are going to focus on the power of social resources (contact seeking, comfort seeking, instrumental aid, and spiritual support)! In this week's blog, we will delve into these four areas of social support, to see what each has to offer us during difficult or stressful times.
Reaching out for social support of any kind may be difficult for many of us. Speaking for myself, I was raised to believe strong people keep their emotions to themselves and push through the hard work of living. I was taught that asking for help or support was not a sign of strength. But, I am happy to say that I have learned much greater and more powerful lessons in my adult life, recognizing what science tells us about the incredible strength in connecting with other human beings.
Our human DNA provides us with a blueprint for connection: Human beings are social creatures and we thrive when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and to deeply connect with others. It is not easy, especially if human beings have disappointed or hurt you in the past.
Brene Brown, author of one of my favorite TED talks, speaks to the power of vulnerability in her talk that you can find HERE. She also talks about vulnerability and connection in more detail on her website (which includes her podcast and books, among other things). You may find her website HERE.
Learning to access the healing power and strength in connecting with other human beings is worth the effort and discomfort, if it is not something you find remotely appealing. Just as human beings find satisfaction in helping others, we allow others that same satisfaction when we let them help us. It is mutually beneficial in many ways, to reach out for comfort, for instrumental aid, or support from those we know and love. So, let's dive into the research on this topic (there is a lot of it), and see what we can learn about social support during stressful times!
First, let's look at contact support and comfort seeking. When we are stressed, reaching out to friends, family, or loved ones for human contact can be incredibly helpful. Just being in the presence of those we know, and we know care about us, provides hope that things will be okay, and that you are not in this world alone. Hope contributes to resilience, as it gives us something to look forward to (hope for better times), and a reason to keep pushing through the tough times.
Stress researchers have learned a lot in the past 10-15 years about the role of cortisol in our stress-filled lives. Cortisol is a stress hormone, but it turns out it is also a social promoter. When we perceive danger or stress, our body begins to pump out cortisol to prepare us for what is called 'fight or flight'. Our heart rate and respiration increase, preparing us to either fight whatever danger we perceive, or to run from it. You may have experienced this as you prepare to give a speech or presentation, to share ideas in a meeting, or when you are in a nerve-inducing social situation. While we may interpret this stress response as a negative outcome, it actually helps us prepare for whatever circumstance we are about to enter. The heightened breathing and heart rate pump more oxygenated blood to the brain, allowing us to think more clearly, or to run more quickly. Of course, if the stress response sends us further down the stress 'rabbit hole', then the benefits might be lost on us. If we recognize this response as helpful, however, well, we can tap into those benefits and think clearly or run quickly!
The interesting and surprising thing about cortisol is that it also serves a social function for us when we are stressed out. It unconsciously encourages us to reach out to those we trust for comfort or aid. I am so amazed by the human species, and this is one of the reasons I find it so awe-inspiring. We are designed to connect with others, and even when we hesitate to do so, our body produces a chemical, in this case cortisol, that encourages us to connect when we need it most. So, when you are stressed out or facing difficult circumstances, listen to your body. Reach out for help when the cells inside your body are yearning for it. Call a friend, or family member. Reach out for human touch (if it is safe, which it may not be during a pandemic). That social connection will likely bring hope for your troubling times, hope that things can get better, and that you are not alone.
The comfort of friends or family can provide a welcomed release for all of your pent up stress, like a tea pot whistling from the chaos within: Once you open up the tea pot and the initial rush of steam pours out, the whistling stops, the steam dissipates, and the boiling water calms. Comfort may be found in simply sharing the same space, and yet, comfort can also be found in pursuing leisurely activities with friends- activities that distract you from the realities of life for a little while.
Reaching out to others during stressful times can also provide welcomed or needed instrumental aid. Instrumental aid can be in the form of financial assistance (e.g., lending you money, helping with expenses), connections (e.g., connecting you to resources of which you were unaware, unadvertised employment opportunities), tangible help (e.g., a ride if you need transportation, physical help to move), or advice!
Finally, spiritual aid. Spiritual aid includes, but is not limited to, prayer partners. Spiritual aid can also be found in the words of a friend that helps you adjust your mental perspective with words of gratitude or hope. It can be through meditation, walks in nature that help keep your problems in perspective, or yoga that cleanses the mind, body, and soul. There are many ways to access spiritual aid, alone or with the help of others. It may be something you find in music that soothes your turmoil, or provides hope! In other words, spiritual aid may be a religious experience, or not. It is what you want it to be, and can be a very powerful tool for finding the strength you need to persevere during difficult times.
There you have it, folks! Week 4 of our month long journey toward greater resilience. I hope this week, and the previous 3, have helped you find new and effective ways to manage your stress and build resilience. 2020 has tested us all, and 2021, while possibly an improvement over 2020, seems to be teeing up as "Season 2" of this awful shit show. We've got this, though. We can do this. Together! By comforting ourselves, taking action, weighing our options, or tapping into our social resources!
See you next week. Until then...
Be well, stay safe, and take care.
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