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Writer's pictureChris Weinkauff Duranso

Authentic emotions: A little anger is good for you!

I was going to write today about forgiveness, but I don't think it is time yet.


A few weeks ago, I wrote about the dangers of toxic positivity. I hope you read and enjoyed that post. Today, I am going to wander back to that topic. I have spent a lot of time posting about ways we can elevate our mood and reduce our stress, and we certainly could all use those interventions to help us with the cumulative effects of the 2020 shit show.


But, I don't want to misguide anyone. Being stressed is real. Being angry, sad, frustrated, or afraid is real. As the stressors around us continue to linger or build, it is in our best interest, each of us, to be honest with ourselves and others about our emotional experiences.


Research suggests that denying our emotions doesn't improve our situation. On the contrary, it is likely that our emotional experiences with intensify, and the source(s) of the stress will remain, continuing to contribute to the same negative emotions. So, let's not deny our emotions, let's acknowledge them, and deal with them.


Feeling angry? Be angry. Sit in it for a while. Frustrated that you are still stuck indoors with no social life or job? Damn straight that is something to be frustrated (or worse) about, so be frustrated. Voice it. Scream, yell, have a very angry conversation with yourself in the mirror. Or the person with whom you determine might be the source of the frustration, anger, fear, sadness, etc. That one can be tricky, so it might be best if you have that angry conversation with yourself in the mirror, first. Voicing your anger to your boss, your partner, a family member, a neighbor flying a political flag, or an unmasked pedestrian might get you into trouble and cause more problems.


Tread lightly, but still, tread.


Allow yourself to feel your feelings! Hell yea, I am angry! Hell yea, I am frustrated! Hell yea, I am disappointed! Hell yea, I am afraid (a little...)! Burying those emotions and pretending you are happy, patient, tolerant, or any other 'positive' emotional response is going to exacerbate your true emotional experience. It builds, like the water inside a kettle on the stove.


As the water inside the kettle gets closer to a boiling point, you see the steam start to slowly emerge from the spout. It builds. The steam streams out with greater intensity, and then, when the water finally reaches a boiling point, the steam is rolling out and the whistle loudly announces it is time to kill the flame!



At this point, if you don't turn the flame off, the water continues rapidly boiling, the steam grows very intense and hot, and the whistle is incredibly annoying. So, don't let your emotions build up like that water, for yourself and others around you. When you feel your emotions start to build pressure like that water in the kettle, turn down the flame and vent the steam.


If you can, get out of the situation that is the source of the intense emotional response, and talk about your emotions. This requires some honesty on your part, with yourself and others. And maybe some courage to admit what is at the core of your discomfort. But better to do it now, than when the pressure builds so much that you lash out at the closest person to you. Which may also be you.


So, have that conversation with yourself, first. Work through what is bothering you. Feel the emotions. Don't rush to get past the discomfort. Invest in the hard work of being in the discomfort. Admit to yourself what you are feeling, and what, or who, the source, or sources, of those feelings might be. Don't rush to resolve things. Take some time. This is where creativity comes in as a great resource for resolving our emotional experiences and the circumstances and their core. Creativity takes time. Let the situation(s) incubate, and you go about your daily life and responsibilities. Our unconscious mind is at work, calculating all of the options and their benefits and consequences. Sleep on it.


I have, like most people, tried to rush through the discomfort of a situation, because, well, who likes to be uncomfortable? No one! Recent situations where I have given in to venting too quickly have ended badly, and I have experienced regret for saying something before allowing the passage of time. I implore you to avoid giving into the temptation to rush. You will not regret waiting, while there is greater risk of regretting what happens when you rush. Lower the flame, or turn it off. Let the kettle sit for a bit before pouring out the water.


Of course, you don't want to wait too long. Just like that boiling water in the kettle, if you let it sit too long, well, it gets cold. Waiting too long to deal with your emotions, or the source of the emotional experience, can lead to procrastination or denial. You may start to question your experience and find ways to rationalize the source. This won't make the situation or your feelings truly go away. It just delays the inevitable. Which is dealing with the situation.


Have you ever lashed out at someone, and then immediately wondered why in the world you did that to them? Oh boy, I did that just a few days ago. That person didn't deserve the lashing, and they were left wondering what they did wrong and why I responded so intensely. Yes, I had to apologize, and explain myself. After I thought about it, I quickly realized I was irritated with what I had just read in the news, and I hadn't processed it yet. We all do this sometimes, but the less we do it, the better we will feel. The fewer apologies we will need to dispense, and the fewer people will be unfairly at the receiving end of our boiling point.


Today's takeaway? Be emotionally authentic. Allow yourself to really feel your emotional experiences. Don't cover them up or reason away with 'should' haves. Just accept your emotional responses for what they are - part of being a human being. And part of being a human being in the 2020 shit show. It is hard. And we are all in this together, even if it doesn't feel like it most days.


Be well, stay safe, and take care.





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