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Writer's pictureChris Weinkauff Duranso

Avoid getting caught up in the us vs. them mentality: In group and out group mentalities



Social psychologists have long known that human beings tend to define themselves according to the 'groups' in which they belong, or don't belong. We each have multiple groups with which we associate or determine membership, some are automatic based on genetics, for instance (male, female, nonbinary; race or ethnicity, age) and others we choose to belong to because of shared ideologies, philosophies, skills, or geography.


There are two major concerns with in group and out group tendencies that I want to focus on today: the absence of belonging when you do not feel connected to others, and the presence of divisiveness when you focus on the differences between the people in your 'in group' and the people you see as members of other 'out groups'.


Belonging-ness is an essential part of thriving for human beings. I have written about this before, but it is worth repeating while we are living in a time of incredible physical separation. It is imprinted in our DNA as humans that we connect with other humans. We need human interaction and human touch. Without regular interaction with other humans, we can experience both physical and emotional impacts. Babies in isolation stop growing physically as well as cognitively and emotionally. Adults, too, can experience stunted emotional experiences such as disconnection, loneliness and depression. It is no surprise that counselors and therapists report increasing numbers of people with depressive symptoms right now, while so many of us are continuing to practice social distancing during the pandemic (among other current, real stressors that can result in depressive symptoms).


It is difficult to remain connected to others, and to feel that sense of belonging when you are abiding by CDC or WHO recommendations to stay away from others in order to reduce the risk of COVID-19 transmission. It is not impossible to feel that sense of belonging, as I have discussed in previous posts about pandemic pods, quaranteams, and social connection while physically distancing. But I can say from first hand experience that living alone during the pandemic, with no 'quaranteam' or 'pandemic pod' to provide human touch has really stretched my emotional strength to its limits. So if you are feeling that stress, you are not alone! That is certainly not one of the 'in groups' I wish to belong to, but there are a lot of things happening right now in our world that we wish we did not have to experience!


To combat the feelings of disconnection that you, like me, might be feeling, we want to go back to previous discussions about using technology to keep us connected, or finding ways to interact with other human beings in person, either by meeting outdoors and remaining 6 feet apart and masked, or developing a pandemic pod of people committed to safely interacting with each other.


Also, finding ways to activate your own in-groups to reinforce that connection with others, reminding yourself that you are not in this alone, is very important. I have found that connecting with online groups with like minded individuals helps me stay focused on my role in the pandemic, in issues related to systemic racism, and for my career. For instance, I belong to a social media group called 'Pandemic Pedagogy' that allows educators to share ideas about teaching and learning in a pandemic, and also to vent about frustrations with the same contexts. I don't feel so alone in my struggles to provide the best pedagogy possible while teaching remotely!


So, in groups provide us with connection that is incredibly important all the time, but more so right now, when we likely feel very disconnected from our regular routines and lives. Make efforts to connect with your in groups. Again, in groups can be: people your age, people of the same gender or sexual orientation, people of the same neighborhood, city, state, workplace, family, faith, or political affiliation. There are others, to be sure. Those are just the ones that come to mind right now. You know your in groups. Find them and connect with them.


There is a danger in connecting ONLY with your in groups, however, and this is something we see happening all across the world, and most definitely in the United States right now. When we connect with our 'in group' we simultaneously tend to identify people who are NOT in our in group, and social psychology refers to them as members of an 'out group'. When we recognize people from an out group, we can reach out to them to connect and learn from each other, recognizing that differences are what make human beings so interesting, and what keeps our species alive and strong. However, sometimes groups can become very divisive, which is what we are seeing much more of right now.


Divisiveness between groups tends to be more obvious and more intense when a person or persons feel that the 'other group' is taking something from you. It could be 'they are taking our jobs' or 'they are taking our freedoms'. Whatever it is, if you feel that another group threatens the way you live, you are likely to feel animosity towards people in that group. American politics are filled with this sort of animosity right now, unfortunately. When you feel that sort of animosity, it is likely to lead to a herd mentality, where you try to protect those in your group at all costs. This can lead to aggressive behaviors, and healthy, respectful communication is not likely to be a part of the process any longer. Communication shuts down, and takes the potential for progress with it, typically.


Our individual emotional experiences when out-group mentalities are activated is typically very stressful. It can, and has, fractured families and ruined relationships. That can cause even more feelings of disconnection, and a host of other negative emotions. While negative emotions are often times a necessary part of life, when you add them to the stress we are all experiencing from the pandemic and civil unrest, it really is a lot for any human being to handle well. So, in order to strengthen our individual pandemic resilience, the best practices we can incorporate into our daily lives are to use in group people to maximize our feelings of connection, and minimize our tendency to activate out-group mentalities, so we reduce the negative effects that can have on our daily living.


To be clear, I am not saying that out groups are bad. They are necessary as part of the beautiful spectrum of individuality in our human species. Many times in groups/out groups beautifully balance each other out. I remember a LONG time ago in my high school government class, learning from my teacher, who happened to also be a state senator at the time, that in a democracy, opposing ideals and the fluctuation of power from one party to the other provides necessary balance. When one party in power strengthens the military but reduces funding to social programs, the good can be a strong military. Then, when the other party is in power, they may shift funding from the strong military to support much needed social programs, strengthening them in turn. There are many other examples in our lives where differing opinions can be good, powerful, healthy. Differences are not bad, unless they become so divisive that they shut down communication and understanding and respect.


Sometimes that divisiveness is necessary for progress, too. When one group is being ignored, taking advantage of, or mistreated in some way, then it might require a lot of inertia to force change for the better. We are certainly seeing some of that right now on a large scale. We can experience that on a smaller scale in our own lives, too.


So, let's do our part to balance our own sense of in and out groups, for our own emotional well being and resilience, and for others' as well. Try to activate your in groups for connection. And activate your awareness of out groups in an effort to learn from each other, to respect each other, to further your understanding of each other and potential for compassion for each other. When possible.


When you attempt to reach out for that connection with others that belong to another 'group', if that attempt is met with contention, that might be a signal to back off for your own well-being. Resist the temptation to meet every opportunity to battle with someone from another group, as that may wear on your emotional well-being, your sense of optimism and hope, and your compassion for others.


Right now is a time to cultivate connection in order to protect our mental and physical health. For our own resilience.


Be well, stay safe, and take care.

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