Here we are, a year since the first COVID-19 case hit the United States, more than a year since we first heard of this deadly virus hitting other parts of the world, and we are still deep in the battle. Still isolating, still making decisions to minimize risk for ourselves or others, still cancelling social gatherings, holiday traditions, vacations, graduations, etc. Most of us are also spending A LOT more time at home, either alone or with family or roommates.
Much like the social media pressure to have this great life like those you see others posting about, there is also the pressure to practice Incredible Hulk sized versions of resilience, gratitude and optimism. Or, if your social media feed or news diet is anything like mine, there is plenty out there that highlights the frustration with the ongoing pandemic, unemployment, continued or rising financial worries, remote learning and work, obvious infrastructure failures for things like healthcare, social programs for the needy, and systemic racism. There is plenty to be angry about, too.
Yes, there is plenty of the 2020 and now 2021 shit show still continuing, like remakes of movies you thought were terrible the first time, yet someone thought it a good idea to make more. Let me out of this awful shit show, please! But no, we are still in it. Together, I might add, despite the incredible political fracture in the United States. Like it or not, we are all still stuck in this. So, now that I have had my usual rant about the shit show, here we go....
I have written a lot about how to strengthen or maintain our resilience. In times of struggle or stress, accessing your resilience is essential to success, to survival, and to thriving. Building, or maintaining, your own resilience 'tank' requires a lot of things, including today's topic: authenticity.
To be authentic is to be honest with yourself about who you are and what you are feeling. It is allowing yourself to be, without allowing outside forces to unduly influence who you are, what you do, or what you are currently experiencing. Being authentic can be difficult. It requires a lot from yourself. It requires honesty with yourself, first and foremost. You cannot be authentic if you do not know who you are, or what you are experiencing/feeling.
So the first step in authenticity is to take time and energy to be self-aware and honest with yourself.
What do I want? That can be a big picture question, or a current moment question: What are my professional goals or what do I want for dinner. Both are important.
Who am I? How you define or describe yourself matters, too. Do you think you are an optimist, a realist, or a pessimist? Are you kind? Do you care about social justice, or music, or sports? What drives you to get up every morning? Being able to define your own identity requires self-awareness, time spent contemplating who you are and what is important to you, and honesty about the conclusions you draw in that self-awareness. If you are a realist and your best friend is, in your view, an unrelenting optimist, the two of you may see things very differently. That is okay! You don't need to convert your unrelenting optimist into a realist, and your optimist doesn't need to convert you, either! Diversity is the spice of life, so appreciate each other for your differences.
How am I feeling? This is a big one. I don't know about you, but I struggle sometimes to be self-aware of my emotional state, and to be okay with it when I am aware. This is, though, crucial to being authentic and resilient.
I have written in a previous post about the dangers of toxic positivity, this need to present ourselves as feeling optimistic or positive when we don't, or the need for others to avoid the discomfort of recognizing our struggle by telling us to move past it, to encourage us to rush to a more positive affect, or to find some 'silver lining' in the difficulties we may be facing. Don't fall for this! Toxic positivity will not aid you in your times of trouble, it will only add to your turmoil. If you are struggling, or rather, WHEN you are struggling, it is best to acknowledge your emotional experiences and deal with them honestly than to rush to find some other feeling that is more comfortable and appealing to others.
This should be about balance, though. I embrace the reality that we all have bad moods or difficult times, like all of 2020 and so far most of 2021, and we should be honest with ourselves about the struggle. But also, try not to let it define our existence. Find ways to step away from the struggle, even if it is for a moment.
One of my favorite TED talks is by a social psychologist, Brene Brown, who shares her research on shame and authenticity. I have to admit, it was an eye opener for me to hear her talk about her research. She has gone on to write books, do follow up TED talks, and host a podcast on the topic of vulnerability. According to her research, people who live good lives embrace their imperfections, embrace vulnerability, and recognize that being their authentic selves is at the core of love, joy, and happiness.
Watch her TED talk here: Brene Brown Vulnerability .
It is not easy, being vulnerable and authentic. It is not easy to be honest with ourselves, and in our current circumstance, where many of us are spending a LOT of time at home with ourselves and others, it is not easy to be authentic around others.
I don't know about you, but I have had MORE than my share of bad mood days in the past year. Being home this much, not socializing, not seeing my family, not fulfilling my professional goals in the way that I choose, not running trails, not, not, not... there is a lot of stuff I would like to be doing that I am currently NOT doing. And I am home now, thankfully, with my husband, as we both work remotely. It is so wonderful to be together through this very difficult time, and we are both grateful to be able to continue to work, collect a paycheck, and stay safe. That said, I don't think I have spent this much time at HOME in my life. And I KNOW that he and I have not spent this much time with each other EVER. So we get to see each other at our best and worse moments. There are days when I recognize I am in a 'bad mood', for whatever reason, and I am tempted to put on a happy face and pretend my mood is something else. I am tempted to be less than authentic because I worry that my husband will think I am difficult to be around. And then I remember, it is okay. It is necessary to be vulnerable, to be truthful, to be real. So, he gets my bad moods along with all of the others. And I get his, too. And that is okay.
So, for you, I say, embrace your authentic self. Have bad days along with the good. Be angry. Be sad. Be impatient. Be hopeful. Be appreciative. Just BE.
Being authentic takes effort. But being something else takes effort, too. So, invest your effort in the pursuit of truth, of resilience through authenticity, of vulnerability. It may be uncomfortable, especially at first, if you are not accustomed to this practice. But after a while, the discomfort will fade, and replaced with a sense of strength, resilience, of self-awareness, and then, contentment or deeply felt happiness.
As always...
Be well, stay safe and take care!
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