Wouldn't it be nice if there were a magical pill we could take to resolve our emotional issues, our relational conflicts, or bring about world peace? If only. There is no such thing, obviously, as human beings are complicated and unique, as are our interactions with each other and society.
While there is no magic pill, relationship science has uncovered a simple formula (at least it is simple in theory) that helps predict strength and stability in relationships, and this formula might just work in our relationship with ourselves, especially in the current chaotic context we find ourselves living in, in 2020.
First, I just want to vent and say, rhetorically, WILL THIS SHIT SHOW EVER END? When this question first came to me, I would shout out: "Will 2020 ever end?" But now, there is no evidence to suggest that the end of the calendar year will usher in better circumstances for any of us, in terms of the political chaos, the civil unrest, or the pandemic. So, I am amending my frustrating rant from '2020' to the generic 'this shit show'. It will end, of course, just not soon enough, and possibly not with the ending I would prefer. But back to the 5:1 formula.
Dr. John Gottman has spent most of his professional career studying healthy relationships, mostly marital relationships. What he has found in his years of investigation is that the most healthy and satisfying relationships can be predicted by the 5:1 ratio. In these relationships, for every negative interaction during conflict, there are, on average, 5 positive interactions that offset it. It is important to note that all relationships experience conflict, so the predictors for success in a relationship are about how the conflict is managed, and whether there are those, on average, 5 positive interactions. In successful relationships, conflict is managed without degrading, disrespectful or defensive interactions, and without risk of emotional isolation. It is loving, authentic, supportive, and compassionate. And there are no win-loss record for future reference. Also, there are far more positive interactions than negative ones, over all. So it is not necessary to follow up each conflict with inauthentic positive words or actions for the sake of manufacturing the 5:1 ratio. This research suggests that in your day to day lives with each other, you have 5 times more positive interactions than negative ones. That is it. Now, let's see if we can map this research onto the relationship we have with ourselves.....
Do you have internal conflict that fits the healthy formula noted above? Are you compassionate, loving, authentic and supportive with yourself, or do you tend to be your own worst critic? Trust me, I struggle with this. Spend time with me and you will quickly realize I set higher standards for myself than anyone else, and am quick to evaluate myself based on those standards. It can be exhausting. And... you guessed it, not healthy. So, I work on this regularly, checking in on my relationship with myself! Do I take time to have, on average, 5 positive interactions with myself, more than I experience inner conflict? How about you? How do you measure up on this 5:1 ratio?
When life is so stressful, and the stress is pervasive and seemingly unending in the 2020 shit show, we can slowly fall into less than healthy habits. Then we get impatient, moody, and generally unsatisfied. There is enough going on right now that can cause us to be legitimately impatient, moody and unsatisfied, so we could all do ourselves the favor of NOT adding to it.
So, your assignment for today is to practice having a happy, satisfying, supportive and authentic relationship. With yourself. Think about how you are talking to yourself. Would you talk to your best friend that way? Your partner? Your kids? You parent(s)? If not, work on being kinder to yourself, and re-framing those thoughts in a way that you would be proud to share with those you love. And then look for ways to accumulate the 5 positive interactions with yourself. They don't have to be extravagant. Take an extra couple of minutes in the shower. Give yourself that cookie today. Smile at yourself in the mirror. Remind yourself how proud you are of the resilience you are demonstrating in the 2020 shit show. Sleep in. Stay up late and watch a movie. Have a glass of wine (just one...). Or your favorite cocktail or beer. Call the workday a little early this Friday and go for a walk without guilt. Mask up when you are doing that, of course, but allow yourself some joy.
Over time, practicing the 5:1 ratio can lead to meaningful, measurable differences (improvements) in your relationship with others, and with yourself. So give it a try. You are worth it. And when this shit show is over, we can all get together and talk about how glad we are it is finally done. I will change the topic of my blog to something new but also meaningful. Won't that be awesome? That is my gift to myself today: hope. Try it on for size, and count it as one of those '5' positive interactions.
Be well, stay safe, and take care.
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