A picture reflecting the 2020 Shit Show:
I like this picture so much I am going to use it again. It really seems to exemplify 2020 very well. Lots of frustration, anger, yelling, denial, and generally, not listening to each other. To be clear, I think this environment is fueled by poor leadership in the US, so we don't each have to carry the blame for this circumstance, just our own part in it. And that, fortunately, we have some control over, unlike so many other things happening in the 2020 shit show!
Good news! Something we can control! Yay! Okay... on with the post...
Yesterday, I wrote about the value and importance of mindful conversation. Today, I am going to write about the process of mindful conversation. How to do it. Many of us probably already know now to do this, but the intensity of 2020 has made if very challenging to practice. So, let's dust off those skills, or commit to practicing and strengthening them! Especially as some of us may be spending time in person or virtually with family for the upcoming holiday(s). Family gatherings, real or virtual, can be happy and exciting, or tense and draining, depending on the family dynamic. Let's just surmise that most families have varied degrees of tension and differences of opinion, so 2020 conversations are likely to be tense. Or maybe, your family takes the 'no political discussions' approach, which may have worked in the past, but now that we have science and health issues politicized, well, that makes it really difficult to avoid political discussions. I may be projecting my own family experiences here, but I also think those may be rather reflective of many family experiences.
Mindful conversation. It can keep family gatherings, or friend gatherings, a safe place to enjoy yourself if you commit to mindful conversations. See yesterday's blog for a little detail about the science behind mindful conversations and their value, if you are not yet convinced.
To be clear, I am not suggesting that mindful conversations or meaningful gatherings of people should be about denial of current realities. I am saying that mindful conversations allow us to preserve our relationships while also allowing important and meaningful conversations about topics on which you may disagree.
Mindful conversations are best when both, or all, people in the conversation are committed to the practice of mindful interaction. That said, you can commit to being mindful in a conversation with someone who is NOT mindful in their interactions with you, and still come out with a better experience than if neither of you were committed to mindful listening and speaking.
So, the first step in mindful conversation is for you to consciously choose to be mindful.
The second step would be to invite the other members of the conversation to commit to mindful conversation with you. If they agree, great. If they don't know what you are talking about, you can explain, then hopefully get their agreement. If they do not agree, well, you know what you are setting yourself up for from the start. Go in with that knowledge!
Next, decide what your goal is for the conversation, and keep that in the forefront of your mind as you choose your words.
Is your goal to convey your thoughts or feelings? Is it to understand the other person's/people's thoughts or feelings? Is your goal to persuade, or learn?
Some of these goals are more about conveyance, or speaking, and others are about listening. Keep in mind if your goal is about conveyance or listening.
If the goal is largely about listening, then, listen. And when you listen, your speaking should be largely about clarifying what you heard. With comments that begin with "..what I hear you saying is..."
If the goal is largely about conveyance, state that goal to those with whom you are speaking. With phrases such as "...I want you to understand what I am thinking/feeling...". Then, if they are listening with the goal of understanding, they are likely to reply with "..what I hear you saying is...", which you can then confirm, clarify, or correct.
Next, remember to choose your words wisely. Be cautious about making assumptions about the other person's thoughts, judgements about their attitudes or actions, and avoid using words that are accusatory or defamatory. This risks shutting down the conversation and initiating a line of defensive argumentation.
Also, be comfortable with silence. Sometimes silence allows for percolation. The conversation may need to pause for a moment or two, so that all the parties involved can digest what has been said, and consider what comes next. Count to 10 quietly if you are uncomfortable with the silence.
Now, really listen. Don't use the time when others are talking to prepare your next statement. Just listen mindfully. With all of your mind (attention). Fully. Avoid the temptation to be distracted by what is happening around you, or inside your head. Ask for clarification is you are uncertain of what was said. That signifies that you are invested in what was said.
Also, remember that body language, tone, and eye contact all contribute to our message. Stand, or sit, tall.
Avoid crossing your arms or legs, as this subtly suggests you are closed off from the message you are intended to receive.
Face the person or persons you are communicating with, and keep you eyes engaged with each of them.
Resist any temptation to convey negative responses with facial expressions, hand gestures, or by turning your body away from the other person or persons.
Always, breathe. Holding your breathe is likely to increase your heart rate, and you are likely to breathe heavily once you stop holding your breath. Both physiological responses risk a stress response (increased cortisol production), anxiety, frustration, or anger, and make it difficult to talk calmly when you respond. It may also send a negative message to the people with whom you are communicating.
That is it! You've got this! Practicing mindful conversation before you are confronted with the opportunity to NEED it is a good idea. The more you practice this, the better you may get at it, and the more reflexive it will be for all of your conversations, tough or not.
Mindful conversations contribute to stronger and healthier connections with others, and greater awareness of our own intentions in our interactions with others and ourselves. There is no greater time than the 2020 shit show to hone your communication skills (listening and speaking), so get to it!
Be well, stay safe, and take care!
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