I have to admit that today is a tough day for me, and I was tempted to call in sick for my blog post this morning. However, my life is pretty good, and I am going to continue to push through the turmoil that I found on the news this morning.
My life is pretty good. I said that. I believe that, and it is absolutely true, for many reasons. I don't have to work too hard to convince myself of it. I am not saying that to be smug or to come across in any other way besides honest. I have a job that allows me to work remotely in the middle of a pandemic (at least for now). I have a home and food on the table, and an awesome puppy to keep me company while I shield myself from COVID-19. I have amazing adult children whom I love and admire, and a husband I love, admire, and cherish beyond words. I moved from Southern California to Georgia in July 2019, to pursue a career for which I am very passionate (Assistant Professor of Psychological Science), while my husband still lives in California. We haven't seen each other since January 4th, 2020, and I miss him terribly, but we have an amazing relationship that is resilient and based on trust.
I was born with white skin, so I am lucky. That sense of good fortune is something I am reminded of daily in 2020. And I am concurrently reminded of the awful injustices that people of color and other minorities face every.single.day in our country and world, and it sickens me. This is why I wanted to 'call in sick' this morning. The most recent events in Kenosha, Wisconsin, USA, are plastered everywhere, with variations of the 'truth' touted from the mouths of 'journalists' everywhere, but the short of it is that:
1. A black man was shot 7 times by a police officer with no apparent reason (caught on camera), and is likely paralyzed.
2. The officers involved have not been charged or relieved of their duties.
3. People began protesting in the streets of Kenosha, Wisconsin, to voice their outrage and grief.
4. A 17-year old male from Illinois went to Kenosha with his automatic rifle and ammunition in hand, to Kenosha, where he killed 2 people and left another wounded. (**This has been edited, 08/27/2020, 12pm EST. Earlier reports indicated the young male was driven to Kenosha by his mother, but those reports have been removed, and no details are currently available about how he got from IL to WI.).
5. This same male walked past police with his automatic rifle in full view. He didn't get shot 7 times in the back, nor did he get arrested for walking around in the streets with an automatic rifle.
6. This same young male was lauded by 'journalists' on Fox News as a hero for law and order.
You bet I am disgusted. And sickened by these events and how so many people can continue to support a false narrative about this event and so many like it. How do I write a blog post about pandemic resilience when, amidst a pandemic that so many Americans try to deny or downplay, thinking their right to not wear a mask and live their life is more important than the lives of so many others. Amidst THAT we also have white militants toting guns to 'protect their right to arms', while usurping the rights of people of color to live at all.
And don't even get me started on the politics of the day, in the U.S. It's a shit show like no other, and I don't know if our country will be able to recover fully from the moral malaise of the past 4 years.
Have I made clear enough where my head is this morning? Probably. If you are still reading, take heart. I do want to try to bring us around to a better head space. Myself included.
So, I am going to share with you the research on life stories. McAdams is a psychologist who coined the term life story as it relates to aging well, but McAdams' work has gone beyond aging well and into trauma territory.
Which is why I think it is important today. Trauma. There is a lot of that going around right now, in various manifestations and magnitudes. So, how each of us write our life story is important.
To summarize the plethora of published studies in this area, how we think, talk about, and write about our life experiences matters for our mental health, our identity, our optimism for the future, as well as our physical well-being.
Previous blog posts about locus of control and explanatory style play well with this topic.
When bad things happen, and they do, how do you explain them to yourself?
How do you reason for these events?
And how do you think about their impact on you and your future?
I will give you an example from the research, to help visualize what I mean here. A person who has been a victim of domestic violence, is out of the situation, and is trying to recover and create a healthy start, with an optimistic future plan is asked to write about their past. Decades ago, before the life story research, this person might be encouraged to write about the 'old me' and how those things that happened are in the past, and the 'new me' is creating a different life. On the surface, that might sound good and healthy, and appropriate, the idea of creating a 'new me'. However, research suggests that there is a better way. This research suggests that embracing the you that experienced all of that is important- 'you' are always 'you', and those experiences don't just go away. But you can write a life story that sounds something like this:
"I used to ignore my own personal boundaries, and feel like I was not worthy of a healthy kind of love. I allowed the other person to treat me badly, because I didn't think I deserved any better, and I was afraid to leave, because I didn't know how to take care of myself. I felt trapped. But, now I know better. Now, I have learned that I am worthy of more, of better. I am worthy of being loved and being treated with respect and kindness. I have learned from my past, and I don't ever want to go back to that life. I am a stronger person because of it. I am a more compassionate person to myself and to others, because of it. I am strong. I am worthy of love and kindness and respect. And I won't let anyone take that away from me again."
That is a much deeper understanding of the past and how it shapes you than just saying: "That is the old me, and this is the new me." It acknowledges the pain and some of the reasoning from the past, and how it has been used to transform you into the person you are today. We can all do this. This isn't only about aging or domestic violence. It is about any trauma or difficulty we face, and how we think about it's role in our life and our identity. We can use the adversities to inform who we are, what we value, how we think and act.
So, while I started this blog ranting about the awful state of affairs across the country and world today, I am going to take my own advice and rewrite my thoughts about this.
Today, there is a lot of violence against people of color and of minorities, and it is wrong. Today, there are people who are losing their jobs, who are hungry, facing eviction, worried about getting sick, or are sick and dying because of an awful virus. I feel sadness and angst because so many people are suffering. Today, I will use that sadness and angst to be grateful for the life I have, and to use my life to help others. I will choose to be hopeful that there are many people who are also willing and interested to stand up for what is right, both with the virus and with the civil unrest. If you disagree with me, I am sorry. But my life story will be one of hope, and of action. I will not stop. Write your story with me.
Be well, stay safe, and take care. And write your story.
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