There are a lot of heated conversations taking place across the globe at any given moment, but 2020 has seen more than its share of them. Politics. Pandemic. Personal safety and justice. It is easy to allow our emotions to rule the conversation, but with many of these topics, emotions are the least effective tool for healthy discussion.
I don't know about you, but my blood pressure skyrockets anytime I engage in a conversation (in person or online) about elections, masks, or social justice. As a scientist, it is very difficult for me to engage in conversations that deny the data. The real data, that is.
This immediate rush of blood to my brain and heart and lungs does not help have a reasoned conversation with someone who thinks differently than I. You know this feeling, right? It is easy to rush to this strong desire to 'get them to see the right way of thinking'. Well, as much as I like to believe I have a healthy and accurate perspective on politics, the pandemic, or how to treat human beings as equals, my way is not the only way of thinking, and is also not the 'perfect' way. As reasoned human beings, wise human beings, decent human beings, we must accept that our understanding of the world is shaped by our own experiences, however limited or vast they may be, and that other human beings have different experiences, thus different perspectives. None of us can truly say our way is the right way, or the only way. We may only think that because of our limited exposure to the world.
According to research on wisdom and cognitive development, a wise person understands that their way of thinking or believing is open to change when new information is gathered. You may think right now that you know what is right or wrong, but if you are wise, you are open to new information that may alter your understanding of right or wrong. And new information the next day after that may alter your understanding yet again. This is how human beings as a species evolved to be who or what we are today- progress and adaptation due to new information (challenges, experiences).
So, how do we allow ourselves to be open to new information that may alter (or not) our understanding of the world, of what is right or wrong? We stop shouting. We stop talking. We stop formulating our argument in our head.
And we listen.
We listen.
We open our eyes and our minds and we look around us. We observe others. Without judging. And we listen.
The idea of listening to others, truly listening, without being distracted by the voice in your head that is formulating your response- this is called mindful conversation.
Mindful conversation. I am going to go out on a limb and say there have been a lot of un-mindful conversations taking place this year. A lot of yelling. Less listening. So, what can we do to help our current circumstance, both individually and more globally? What can we do to lower our blood pressure in those moments when we want to yell at someone to make our point known?
Stop.
Take a breath. A deep one.
And listen.
Mindful conversation, according to the research, is described as listening with your full attention, choosing your words carefully and thoughtfully, expressing yourself honestly, and suspending judgement.
Mindful conversation is not easy. But it is necessary to preserve our relationships, personally, professionally, and otherwise. It is also necessary to preserve our emotional and physical health. Without mindful conversation, we miss out on meaningful conversations with the people we love, work with, and live near.
Without mindful conversation, we miss meaningful conversations that can help us understand what our loved ones need or want, how they feel or think, and for them to understand the same about us. We miss meaningful conversations that can help us better understand our neighbors, our friends, or community members or leaders, our state, national or world leaders, and so on.
Recently, I found myself in flagrant violation of the tenants of mindful conversation. It happens. I have been taking my puppy out for morning walks and I see other morning walkers, we all say hello to each other, beginning to make connections as we talk about our dogs and so on. One particular dog walker is friendly and gave me some good dog advice. One morning, I saw this same walker exit his home- a different location for our typical morning exchange. That morning, I realized this walker lives in a house that has a huge political flag hanging in the front window. One that I am not particularly fond of, I will admit. I am now faced with the dissonance that comes from being angry about the 'person flying that flag' and the friendly person I see each morning who gave me advice. I realized I had made a harsh judgment, unconsciously, about this person because of their political flag flying. And I then also realized how strong my dislike was for that flag. Hm. I need some attitude adjustment.
This walker and I have not yet taken time for longer conversation, but there will be a morning when I need to have some mindful conversation with this person. For my own benefit, I need to dispel the dissonance I have about people that fly that flag and the seemingly nice person I received dog advice from one morning. And I owe it to him, even though he doesn't know it, to chat about that flag and his thoughts about what it represents. It will help us both understand each other a bit better, if it is mindful. If we put our judgements aside. And speak carefully and thoughtfully and honestly. I will let you know how it goes.
I hope you see the danger that comes from avoiding mindful conversations. There are plenty of examples to be found in 2020. Anger. Yelling. Not discussion, but people yelling without listening. Aggression. Conflict. No resolution. No authentic discourse. No compassion.
This is stressful! This is frustrating! This is not healthy, emotionally or physically! This is the 2020 shit show wrapped up in a big bow. So, let's see if we can do our part to change the 2020 shit show by practicing more mindful conversations. It is not easy, but with some practice we can all improve our mindful conversation skills.
For now, I want to encourage you to pay attention to your conversations. Pay attention to how mindful they are, or are not. Tomorrow I will share some tips with you about strengthening your mindful conversation skills. For today, take the first step in becoming more conscious of your conversations. Are they mindful? I hope so!
Be well, stay safe, and take care.
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