Hello, again! I often refer to this blog as "Pandemic Resilience". Resilience is, in large part, about the coping mechanisms we rely on to guide us toward behaviors/actions/attitudes during stressful times, so let's take a more broad look at coping strategies.
According to psychological research, coping strategies seem to come in 3 different flavors, and only one is considered the adaptive, healthy, way to deal with stress in your life. Each of us tend to use one of them as our 'default' strategy, although we may use one of the others sometimes, too.
Even a person with the healthiest coping mechanisms can sometimes feel overwhelmed and fall into a less healthy, or maladaptive, strategy. We are more likely to respond with a healthy coping mechanism if we know what it looks like, and typically we learn those mechanisms by observing them in others, like our parents or family members. So, you can thank your parents now, for teaching you how to deal with stress (or not)!
The different strategies are emotion-focused coping, problem-focused coping, and denial. Which one do you think is the healthiest? I will wait....
Yes, you got it, denial! No, no, no. That is not it. Let's look at the 3 types, and then I think it will be obvious which one is best. Emotion-focused coping is typically accessed when we believe we cannot do anything about the source of our stress. With this strategy, we focus on the emotional response to the stress, for instance, feeling worried or anxious about catching COVID-19. Of course, if you recognize the risk of catching this virus, most of us would feel worried or anxious. An emotional response to any circumstance is typically human, and we wouldn't want to ignore our emotional experience. However, if we continue to focus on it, we don't allow ourselves to consider solutions.
Have you ever known someone who lives in their emotional response? I talk about this with students, and use the example of worrying about an exam. If you are constantly telling your friends: "I am so freaked out about next week's exam", you are wasting energy that could be spent studying for the exam, which would reduce your stress. So, that brings us to problem-focused coping. When you are experiencing stress, and you allow yourself to 'feel' the emotional response to it, at some point, it is healthy to move past that and consider what, exactly, the stressor IS, and then think about how to resolve it. Worried about the exam? Worried about catching COVID-19? Worried about *fill in the blank*? Okay, worry. For a little while. Then, what can you do about this situation?
If you can activate your learned optimism, or your internal locus of control, you can start to plan ways in which you can address the source of your stress. That isn't to say that there will BE an answer to the stress. You may not have any control over the situation. However, you can consider what IS in your control. What can you do to reduce the stress of the impending exam? Study. What can you do to reduce the stress of catching COVID-19? Take as many precautions as possible.
You may have noticed that the responses to the situations I laid out above require action. Often times, we feel better about the stress in our life when we move, and take action. So, studying, researching how to reduce the risk of infection and then acting on that information, those are problem-focused remedies for stress. Taking action means you are not only focusing on the source of your stress, but by taking action, you are also using your cognitive energy (brain power), which distracts from your emotional response. It is very difficult to think and feel at the same time, so start thinking!
Now, we don't want to jump past the emotional response, moving right into action. That isn't entirely helpful, either. It is healthy to be aware of our emotions, to name them, to evaluate them, to think about their source, and just sit with them for a bit, before we move into action. Be. Feel. Think. Then act. Avoiding the emotional response to stress also comes in another form, and that is denial. This strategy might be the most damaging of all stress responses. Denial that you are experiencing stress does not alleviate stress, nor does it remove the source of your stress.
Denial is like an unwatched pot of water that begins to boil. Just because you aren't watching it, doesn't mean it isn't boiling, nor does it mean that it will stop once it reaches a boil. It will continue to build, boiling harder and stronger, until you recognize it, and turn off the flame (the source of the boil).
Turning off the flame is the equivalent of problem-focused coping: Finding the source, recognizing it as the source, and resolving it is what is necessary to reduce the heat, and stop the boil. Once you do that, the water slowly stops bubbling, and ultimately returns to a calm state. Sometimes, the result of our stress denial is more complex than the boiling water analogy. Sometimes, the boil is not directly related to the flame. In other words, sometimes we see our emotional response becoming more intense in OTHER areas of our life, not directly related to the source. We have all experienced this at some point in our lives. You lash out at someone or something, and realize, usually later, that you weren't mad at them at all, you were upset about something else, and you let your emotions about the true source of your stress flow over into other areas. This is a classic sign that you need to take a minute and think about what is really bothering you.
We don't want to ignore the boiling pot of stress in our life! We need to be willing to think about the source of our stressors, and, after allowing ourselves some time to experience our emotional response to it or them, get to the work of figuring out what to do about it.
What to do about it. As I have mentioned many times in these blogs, there are situations in which we find ourselves completely out of control of the source of our stress. This can compound our stress, because we are most definitely dealing with the consequences of the stressor, but don't seem to know how to remove the stressor. Over time, this feeling of being out of control can lead to learned helplessness, which you read about in yesterday's blog. We don't want to go down that path, so, in order to maintain a healthy sense of control over our lives, and to maintain a sense of optimism for the future, we must find a way to act on our stress. If we cannot remove the stressor, say COVID-19, which seems like a HUGE stressor, we can focus on ways to cope with the presence of this stressor. This is problem-focused coping! What can I do to deal with the presence of this huge stressor? Well, act. Reduce your risk as much as possible. Keep informed of the most recent research so you know you are acting accordingly. Your action will reduce your risk, and your action will distract from your ability to think about how stressed your are, and you will be able to cope!
If your stressors are big, I don't want to minimize them. Trust me, I think COVID-19 is a big stressor, but I recognize there are other very real and very big stressors out there right now. I won't list them, because you know what they are in your life. No matter the size of your stressor, and no matter how many stressors you have in your life, you need to be able to cope with them in a healthy way. Denial or emotion-focused coping can take you down a difficult path, adding MORE stress to your life (addiction, stress-related health issues, compromised immune system, insomnia, depression.....). So, while I don't know your stressors, I can tell you with great confidence that I know the stress research. Take time to hink about what is stressing you. Allow yourself to "feel all the feels". And then get busy with some serious thinking about how to resolve the stressors or take action to manage them.
You've got this. You can do it. I have confidence in you! Use the tools that I have been sharing with you along with today's coping tools. Meditate if you can. Sleep a little but not too much. Take a walk outside (if you can, if it is safe), or put some pictures of nature around you. Connect with your friends and family- tell them about your stress so they can feel it with you, and give you support and advice. Pet your dog if you have one, or hug someone you know, if it is safe.
Tomorrow, we are going to talk about the value in asking for help. That can be tough for some of us, but there is great value in it. Until then, be safe. Be well. Take care.
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