Today I am going to write about the hazards of divisiveness at the individual level, and how we can each reconnect with our natural ability to experience and express connection and compassion.
Whether you live in the United States or not, I imagine you are well aware of what has been happening in the US this year, and how openly divisive our country has become. It is also very likely that you, whether you live in the US or not, have in some way 'chosen a side' in the bitter battle of science vs. whatever (alternate reality), social responsibility vs. extreme individualism, democracy vs. autocracy, racial/ethnic/gender/sexual equality vs. Bell Curve mentality (or any number of ______phobic attitudes).
You get the picture. There is a lot of 'us vs. them' going on right now.
I recognize these issues I have noted are not always as clear cut as us. vs. them. For the purposes of making my points today, I am referring to these dichotomies, knowing that there are people who fit neither category but lie somewhere between. This is for ease of discussion.
Human nature is such that we do tend to quickly make assessments of other people (and places, and things) based on our ancestors' need to determine whether danger was lurking nearby, or not. This skill was life saving in cave man days, but has major flaws in modern man. This quick determination, in one form it is called stereotyping, is often incorrect, and typically divisive.
Social psychologists have studied this need to group people/places/things for decades, and we have found out a lot about human behaviors from the research. Some of the research suggests we are rather selfish creatures, while other research supports a more positive view of us, as beings willing to help strangers, show empathy and compassion naturally, and to work in communities for the greater good.
For instance, research on what is called the bystander effect suggests there are certain contexts in which we are less likely to help a stranger in need. The more people there are around that may be able to offer help, the more likely we are to avoid helping and behave like a bystander. Alternatively, we are more likely to help someone in need when we think we have the time, are in a good mood, believe we have the ability to provide the necessary assistance, no one else is around to provide the needed help, and we feel some sort of commonality with the person (gender, ethnicity, same car if they need help with their car, wear a sweatshirt from our alma mater or political party affiliation, etc.).
What we understand from the decades of research from social psychology, evolutionary psychology, and developmental psychology is that human beings are born with an innate need to connect with others, to help others with the unconscious hope that it will be reciprocated in the future, and that we are wired for compassion and empathy. Anything other than that is learned from our environment, atypical prenatal development or genetic disorder aside.
So human beings are not innately bad. Our environment can influence our tendency to fight those innate desires for a variety of reasons, such as an overwhelming counter-cultural value, fear of loss, or an authority figure that encourages another message and rewards those who conform or obey. There are other reasons, of course, but I don't want to write a novel on the topic today, so I will focus on those variables that are relevant to our current events.
In the the US, and many parts of the world today, we are experiencing what seems like unparalleled adversity. A lingering and worsening pandemic, political chaos, and civil unrest over social equality have brought to light some very ugly ideas in our country, and leaders who espouse these ugly ideas and proclaim them unashamedly invite others to behave similarly. The growing fervor of extreme individualism and political animosity has drawn lines in families, friends, communities and the country. Are you on my side of the political arena, of scientific attitudes, or the #BLM movement? Or, are you on the 'other' side? This in group vs. out group (are you in with me, or out on the other side) has been growing this year, fed by frustrations and fears of job loss, housing insecurity, food insecurity, health insecurity, and uncertainty about safety.
Issues that typically are more philosophical or logical are mired in emotions right now, for good reason. Fear. Of. Loss. It is a mighty fear, and it is looking very ugly right now. As we enter a time of year when we typically put our differences aside and gather as families, friends, communities, helping each other, remembering what we are thankful for in our lives, and spreading good cheer, we are so far away from that this year. The 2020 shit show continues, and family gatherings, if you have them (please, don't), are likely to be tense with these conscious or unconscious, said or not said realities of the chasm on some very important topics.
What happens with all this stress and fear and animosity? We stop seeing other people has human beings. We see them as either with us or against us. When we stop seeing them as people, we also limit our ability to experience or express human emotions or connection with or toward them. Things like connection, belonging, love, appreciation, compassion or empathy.
In this us vs. them mentality, we are so invested in how we differ, we fail to consider how we are similar. Let's face it, in the 2020 shit show, we are all afraid. Of different things and at varied levels of intensity. But it is hard to recognize our similarities, our shared fears and frustrations as well as shared values or hopes, when we have so much invested in our us vs. them outrage.
So, today, in the spirit of holiday connection and compassion, let us all put aside our adversarial attitudes and reconnect with each other as human beings. Our differences won't go away, and we won't be disloyal to our values by showing compassion toward someone who's values differ. It helps us all feel a little bit better when we reach out in kindness and compassion. It diffuses our anger and frustration a little bit when we remind ourselves that we are all human beings, even though we differ, even greatly, in values, priorities, politics or policies. We are people.
When you begin to give in to those divisive feelings, refocus your energy on your commonalities. What is it I share with this person? At a bare minimum, we can all say we share the unknown of a pandemic that is raging and changing our lives. No matter what you think of the origins or solutions for the pandemic, we are all 'in' it. Along with all of the other events of the 2020 shit show. So, embrace the similarities. Embrace compassion. Embrace connection. The shit show will still be here for a while. But we can re-fuel our resilience by putting aside the negativity for a little bit, and embrace the good we can find right now.
Trust me, I know I am asking a lot by suggesting compassion and connection during such divisive times. Especially for those who are experiencing significant loss this year. It is hard to show compassion for others when you don't recognize others showing you compassion, or when you, rightly or not, believe others are in some way responsible for your loss. It is much easier to lash out in anger, frustration, blame. You may have every right to feel that way. I have on many occasions this year, felt those emotions. Sometimes daily, it seems. But it only infects my well-being, it doesn't improve it, or change the circumstances.
To clarify, I am not suggesting you pretend to be happy, pretend to be forgiving, pretend that others may have done things that have hurt you. I am simply suggesting that we follow the science of well-being that suggests that connection is much more beneficial than disconnection. Seeing other human beings as just that, human beings, instead of adversaries provides opportunity for connection. It may even provide opportunity to practice that mindful conversation that I wrote about this week. But let's take baby steps for now, and practice connection and compassion today, tomorrow, and for the next few days. Try it on. See how it fits. You can change your mind if you want. But it won't hurt to try! The science is there- suggesting it will feel good.
Be well, stay safe, and take care.
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