As we all continue to experience the emotional, financial, and relational effects of living through a pandemic, it is easy to feel a lot of negative emotions. We all probably have experienced sadness, fear, anger, disappointment, loneliness, frustration, and a whole host of other emotions this year. And the circumstances have lingered for 9 months or more, taking a great toll on our emotional and physical health. And that doesn't even cover the experiences of the many many people who have lost their jobs or are experiencing home or food insecurity.
The many and varied circumstances of 2020 have really tested our resilience, and the year, nor those circumstances, are not over yet. So, now that I have painted a dreary picture, let's see if we can dig ourselves out of the mire and find some sort of positivity.
There are many good reasons to focus our negative emotions at the external world, the people making decisions, or not making decisions, the people behaving, or not behaving, in helpful ways.
I have done my share of 'advising' others about CDC guidelines, and I have participated in many angry conversations with an empty chair, aiming my frustrations at others who may be contributing to the human suffering we are seeing this year.
Much of that frustration and anger with others is well deserved, but today I want to focus on the conversations we have with ourselves.
Science tells us very emphatically that the way we talk to ourselves (self-talk) and the way we feel about ourselves (self-esteem, self-reassurance) are vital to our emotional, cognitive, and physical well-being. So now, at a time when our health and well-being are being tested to their limits it seems, it is vital that we provide ourselves with positive self-talk and positive thoughts to contribute TO, instead of detract from, our resilience.
Self-talk are the conversations we have with ourselves, and these typically take place throughout the day, whether we are aware of them or not. They can be positive or negative, and most human beings have a combination of both. Whether you tend to have more positive or more negative conversations with yourself depends largely on your personality. For instance, if you are high on traits like neuroticism or self-critical perfectionism, you may have a lot of negative self-talk conversations with yourself. If you are more of an optimist, you are likely to have more positive self-talk conversations, while a person who is more of a pessimist is likely to fill their conversations, both with themselves and others, with negative talk.
Negative self-talk has been linked to higher stress levels, higher rates of depression, lower levels of productivity and reduced feelings of life/work/relational satisfaction. Negative self-talk is also linked to the problematic health issues that come with chronic stress, such as heart disease or high blood pressure. So you can see that negative self-talk is problematic, and is something we should be aware of and control. The good news is we CAN take control of negative self-talk, once we realize we are doing too much of it. Of course, a little authentic negative self-talk can motivate us to improve, so we don't want to completely ditch it! We just want to reign it in, and evaluate the type of self-talk we have with ourselves, to determine if it is a realistic interpretation of ourselves. Often times we are our own worst critic, evaluating ourselves much more harshly than is necessary, so it is worth thinking about how we talk to ourselves, and working to be more compassionate, understanding, and realistic about the way we talk to ourselves and evaluate our traits and our talents.
If you want more information about negative self-talk (the down sides, and how to improve the conversations you have with yourself), here is a great article with more information than I can share here:
Next, let's look at self-reassurance, which is strongly correlated with the way we talk to ourselves, and is also important in maintaining our own resilience. Self-reassurance is defined in the psychological research as a way of being compassionate and encouraging to yourself during times of suffering or discomfort. When we experience emotional suffering or discomfort, our brain activates our fight or flight response, which is typically used when we are experiencing danger and this response prepares us to either fight the danger or flee from it. We experience heightened heart rate and breathing, and our stress hormones kick in to facilitate the flight or flight.
Self-reassurance is the mechanism through which we moderate or mediate that fight or flight response, activating our parasympathetic nervous system that calms our hormonal response, and our emotions. Self-assurance uses positive self-talk to regain a sense of control or comfort. This can be achieved by reminding yourself you have the skills to navigate the frightening circumstance in which you find yourself. This can be achieved by reminding yourself that you are not perfect, and that no one else is, either. This can be achieved by assuring yourself that the circumstance in which you find yourself does not define you and will not last forever. This can be achieved by encouraging yourself that this shit show will end at some point, and that it is not your fault. This can be achieved by reminding yourself of how awesome you are, how capable you are, and how loved or loving you are of others.
Positive self talk acts as the driver for self-reassurance. You can provide yourself with the compassion or strength you need to get through difficult times by using reassuring, loving, compassionate words to strengthen your resolve, and to persist through prolonged difficulties. Like 2020. Like the pandemic. Like the civil unrest and political uncertainty we are all mired in right now. We can do this, and one way we can get through this shit show is by loving ourselves, by reminding ourselves that this will not be our forever, that there will be a day when this is part of our past. Our resilience through this incredibly difficult time can be strengthened by consciously attending to our own self-talk and self-reassurance.
We will get through this. One way or another, and one day. Or another.
Hang in there. There is light at the end of this tumultuous tunnel we have been living in this year. Vaccines are coming, a political change is coming, and hope will win. Goodness will win. I have all the optimism I can muster that these things are true.
In the meantime...
Be well, stay safe, and take care.