Stress and loneliness: It sounds like a theme song for 2020. I have talked about stress and loneliness before, but not together, so today we are going to talk about the dangerous duo: these two, when coupled, can feed off of each other and cause us to spiral into dark places in our mind. We want to avoid that, of course. The world is dark enough right now, we don't need to add to it!
Stress is inherent to being human and survival, but it comes in different forms. As does loneliness, the opposite of human connection. We need stress to motivate us to do good things for ourselves and our world, but too much can be detrimental to our performance and our well-being. Likewise, we are wired for human connection as well as the need to be alone, and either in too frequent or too intense doses can also be detrimental to our performance. An interesting new phenomenon has developed with so many people working from home, children schooling from home, etc., and I will talk about this new experience called aloneliness as part of today's blog.
We can all agree with very little discussion that stress levels have been elevated and prolonged for most of the world this year, to levels that are not very healthy for any of us. I, personally, feel the emotional weight of spending months living alone, away from my husband and family, working from home and stressing about catching a virus that for me could be deadly. I am happy to say that I am now living with my husband again (it's a long story: we live apart because I moved from CA to GA for a job last year), at least while we are both working from home. Managing that stress did not help me become a more productive person with the extra time on my hands, nor did it ignite any creativity. Reading about other professors' unique pedagogies, research projects, and service added to my stress as I tried to figure out how to turn my experimental work on exercise into COVID-19 friendly, meaningful research. It has been a battle of wills for me, like so many. Why can't I be so creative, like the academics I see pumping out interesting, timely studies on the impacts of COVID-19? Why can't I come up with innovative online teaching strategies that motivate my students to excel? Why am I... fill in the blank. This sort of stress is self-destructive, not motivating or productive. And I am certainly not alone in this experience. And I don't have to worry, yet, about losing my job or how to stay financially solvent, like so many others.
When we experience high levels of stress, especially prolonged stress, it can result in many physical and emotional outcomes that are not good for us, including isolation. We shut down because we don't want to share our concerns with others. We don't want to see how well others are managing covid living, as it just adds to our self-defeat. It is easier to stay isolated than to acknowledge how stressed we are feeling. But this, it turns out, is exactly the opposite of what science tells us we should do.
When stressed, the best thing we can do is reach out to others. When we reach out to people we care about, and share our stresses and worries, several things happen. First, our body starts to produce higher levels of oxytocin, a stress hormone that is also a social hormone: it helps us bond with others, to feel connected, and to combat the detrimental health effects of stress, like damage to the heart. Reaching out to others also provides an opportunity for them to help us, by giving us much needed advice, emotional support and encouragement, and possibly instrumental support like financial help or other tangible or intangible resources. Sharing with caring others helps us. So we need to reach out when we feel stressed!
Reaching out to others when stressed has a two-fold effect, as you can see. It helps alleviate the stress, and it combats loneliness. We reap the benefits of both when we allow ourselves to be authentic with our loved ones, sharing our concerns with them, no matter how big or small they may be.
On the other hand, all of the changes in living and working arrangements because of COVID-19 have brought about another rather new psychological phenomenon: aloneliness. While many people report unusually high amount of loneliness because of the absence of social activities, more people are reporting the opposite feeling: being surrounded by family all day leaves many feeling as if they cannot find much needed time to be alone. It is a delicate balance, finding the right formula for yourself between having enough time with others so you don't feel lonely, but also finding enough time to be alone so you don't feel suffocated or overwhelmed by the constant presence of others.
Human beings are unique in our individual levels of need for human connection. We all need it to some degree, but the degree to which we need that connection varies greatly, mostly dependent on personality. Personality research describes personality in a variety of theoretical terms, most of them include a measure of what is commonly referred to as extraversion or introversion. A person high on extraversion is one who craves being around other people, who gains emotional and physical energy from the presence of others. Alternatively, people who rate higher on introversion give energy, or spend energy, when in the presence of others. A shy person is considered an introvert, but not all introverts are shy. I am a social introvert. I love being around others, I gain a lot of satisfaction from teaching in person, in front of a group of students, yet it is also exhausting. I have learned that I need some time alone, in my office with the door shut, for a good 30 minutes after teaching a class. At the end of a day full of classes, I need to go home and shut down for the evening. I often let my phone go to voice mail until later in the evening, because I am drained from all of the interaction.
So, if you are an introvert, you probably found the transition to COVID-19 isolation rather easy initially. Those high on extraversion, not so much. All the isolation was and is probably very difficult to manage, and requires extra attention to alternate ways to stay socially connected.
For an extravert, if you are living and working from home with family (or you are a college student taking classes online from home), you are probably happy to have the company, even if it is with the same people every day. At least you are not alone!
Being around people all day every day can wear on your nerves, your sense of autonomy, and your need to be alone. For the extravert, this may take time to feel the negative impact of being home and around others so much. For the introvert, it won't take much time at all. The feeling that you can't find time to have that much needed time alone... is called aloneliness. It is sort of the opposite of loneliness. You crave time alone, and just cannot find it. That is stressful! It can exacerbate your stress levels, reduce your patience, and cause you to be rather moody with others.
While you have probably heard a lot in the news this year about loneliness, we are just now starting to hear about aloneliness. Don't ignore the signs of either of these, as they both can chip away at your emotional well-being, your ability to perform your best at work or school, and your ability to connect in meaningful ways with others, a much needed part of our human condition.
The best way to combat your stress, loneliness, and possibly aloneliness is to prioritize your own emotional awareness. Are you feeling a little 'off'? Impatient? Moody? Restless? Spend some quiet time giving yourself a wellness check. Maybe start journaling. Often times journaling can open up surprising awareness to our unconscious processes. Writing can be like opening a dam: all the emotions that have been held back are now open to flow over into awareness, where you can actually deal with them.
Pay attention to your emotions, and value them enough that you act on what you become aware of in this process. If you realize you are experiencing some aloneliness, talk to the people you live with and construct a plan so you each have time alone on a regular basis. Schedule time in a particular room in the house, where you take shifts spending time there alone. Plan some walks by yourself. Take turns having a weekend morning alone in the kitchen. Whatever it takes, make sure each person in the house recognizes the unique needs of others' sharing living space, and make a plan to address those needs. You will feel better, all of you, if you recognize your stress levels, and your unique needs for connection as well as disconnection.
Your assignment for today is to do a little wellness check on yourself. Check in on your own stress levels and how you are managing them. Go back and re-read some of my earlier blog posts with daily tips for managing stress- I have provided a lot of them! Then, check in on your level of connection or disconnection. Do you feel you are getting enough time connecting with people who matter? If not, go back and read my earlier blog from a couple of months ago about the difference between physically distancing and socially distancing. There are some great tips there about how to stay connected without breaking CDC guidelines. Do you feel as if you are getting enough alone time? If not, use some of today's tips to make sure you protect yourself from aloneliness. It is real!
Now, I am going to go for a walk with my puppy, for a little alone time before I create some video lectures for my students. :)
Be well, stay safe, and take care.
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