Wine tasting is great. I love trying new wines and comparing them to each other. A flight of various craft beers- same thing. Try something new! Expand your horizons with small samples/low risk. Comparison shopping for wine or beer preferences is great, but comparing your personal accomplishments or circumstances to others is a recipe for self-esteem (how good or bad we think of ourselves generally) and well-being disaster. Today I am going to talk about the research on upward and downward comparisons, and the traps we can fall into when we use either too much. Don't worry, it is human nature to do both, we just need to be aware of our tendencies to use them, and what we hope to gain from both.
Upward comparisons are when we compare ourselves (skills, personality traits, accomplishments, circumstances) to someone we perceive to be 'better' than us in some way. An athlete may use an upward comparison to another athlete they perceive to be 'better' than them, and use that comparison as a means to set goals, to learn strategies or techniques through observational learning, or even ask them for advice in order to improve. This is true for all of us, not just athletes. When our self-esteem is stable, using upward comparisons can result in personal growth. When our self-esteem is unstable, or is low, using upward comparisons can falsely serve as a message that we are not good enough, not lucky enough. Just not enough. That can be painful, angering, frustrating, and further damage our self-esteem and overall well-being.
Downward comparisons are when we compare ourselves (skills, personality traits, accomplishments, circumstances) to someone we perceive to be 'not as good' as us in some way. Less rich, less successful, less talented, less funny, less kind. You get the picture. This can help us feel better about our own skills, traits, accomplishments or circumstances. Especially if we don't feel ours are quite good enough, based on our own measure or the measure of others. This is more likely if your self-esteem is unstable or generally low, as you try to find ways to feel better about yourself by pointing out that someone is 'not as good' as you. Keep in mind these assessments are all personal, and relative. It is how you see yourself, and how you see others. It may or may not be accurate at all. But how we perceive ourselves (self-esteem) is mightily impacted by these upward and downward comparisons.
According to research, we are more likely to lean into downward comparisons when our self-esteem is low or unstable, as a way of feeling better about ourselves (or our moment to moment skills, accomplishments or circumstances). The problem is, the impact it has on our self-esteem is only momentary, and can lead us to feel negative emotions like shame for concocting the comparison, shame for evaluating someone this way (judging), or can cause us to think even less of the person to whom we are comparing ourselves. So, the conclusion is that downward comparisons are really not all that healthy, so we should really avoid them. For the most part. If you are a notoriously high achiever, setting lofty expectations upon yourself, or are a perfectionist, sometimes using downward comparisons can be helpful in reminding yourself that you don't have to push so hard. It can also help us feel a sense of gratitude for what we have, if the comparison is not about personal traits but is about circumstances. For example, we can feel grateful that we haven't lost our job during COVID-19, because we know there are people who have not been so fortunate. There are days I feel frustrated about teaching my classes completely online and I remind myself that there are people who don't have a job right now, so I need to be grateful that I do. That is one way to use this comparison strategy for good.
Hopefully you have learned two major things so far in this post: 1) self-esteem is important for our general well-being, and 2) upward and downward comparisons are tricky, both working for our benefit or detriment in different situations.
I won't get too involved in the first item, just know that self-esteem plays a huge role in our physical, mental, and emotional well-being. It is important to think well of yourself (although not too well, as that can lead to traits or tendencies like arrogance or conceit), and to use a little upward comparison to help us challenge ourselves to improve which contributes positively to our self-esteem, while also using a little downward comparison to recognize that while there will always be people that are better than us (in some specific named category), there will also be people that view us as better than them. This also contributes nicely to our self-esteem.
Relying too much on the upward and downward comparisons can certainly get us into trouble. Especially when our world is such a shit show right now. For most of us our lives have been drastically impacted, our routines and senses of stability dismantled, our social lives halted, and our hope brought into question. It is easy to feel frustrated about your individual circumstances, then look around (especially on social media or the news) to see other people who appear to have their lives insulated from the shit show. Vacationing. Buying new stuff. Socializing. Meeting life goals. It can activate a very ugly version of the upward comparison, which is not healthy at all. Likewise, we can activate the downward comparison in destructive ways, questioning why or how people have 'gotten themselves into' situations (like our circumstances are all about our choices???). Oh, that can be very dangerous, and very incorrect.
So, what is the solution? The solution is to temper your desire to participate in these comparisons right now. Live your life, doing what you know is the right thing, and avoid those comparisons when so many are struggling to survive right now. When you feel tempted, step back and push yourselves to compassion instead. Compassion for yourself (your talents, traits, accomplishments, circumstances), and compassion for others (their talents, traits, accomplishments, circumstances). Use these comparisons sparingly, and only when it is helpful to your own personal growth, and certainly NOT when it is at the expense of someone else's personal growth, self-esteem, well-being, happiness, safety, etc.
When you feel tempted to activate these comparisons in an ugly moment, step back, think about what you are thinking and feeling. Ask yourself why you went there. And then use some of the other tools I have presented to you in this blog. Meditation. Walks in nature. Practicing gratitude. Journal. Do something good for yourself or for someone else. You will feel better with those strategies than the comparisons.
You can, however, use those comparisons for a flight of craft beer or wine! Just make sure you don't overdo it. :)
Be well, stay safe, and take care.
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