As we prepare for winter and the typical holiday season, many are contemplating what to do this year. And experiencing an array of negative emotions about the pandemic and it's impact on typical traditions.
No worries, you are not alone in this quest for answers. Taking the risk of gathering in groups or canceling holiday gatherings to practice COVID care? It is a tough decision wrought with complications. On the surface it seems simple: The CDC and WHO are telling us loud and clear that the pandemic is raging, and gathering in groups is a very very bad idea. So, cancel the holidays for now. Postpone them until after the pandemic is under control. But, for many families, it might not be that easy. Loss of all sorts have plagued families, and gathering together may be one way to ease the pain of the 2020 losses.
Embracing each other and reminding yourself and family members that you are not alone sounds really enticing and healing.
I am not going to tell you how to make the decision about the holidays.
But I will tell you what you can do to ease the discomfort of missing holidays with family, if you make the decision to cancel them for now.
Savoring. Plain and simple. If you decide you are not going to spend holiday time with family this year, you can ruminate about how awful it will feel. It will not be fun, I understand that. I am not spending time with my children, my grandchildren, my siblings, my mother, or my in-laws this year. We typically have an amazing annual gathering for the Thanksgiving holiday. I will miss it terribly. And I will, and already do, miss all of the people terribly.
Ruminating is a natural and understandable response to missing all of the people and traditions you may have experienced during the holiday season in the past. Ruminating is the act of going over and over something in your mind, typically negative thoughts.
The act of ruminating is self-destructive, though, and one to be avoided. Research tells us that ruminating can lead to more intense feelings of sadness and even depression.
Ruminating is different than what I spoke about in my last post, which is feeling your emotions authentically.
Feeling bad about cancelling the holiday traditions this year? Of course! Angry you feel you have to do this? Of course!
Frustrated that others are not making the same decision? Of course!
Feel those emotions. Acknowledge those emotions. Then move on from them. Continuing to marinate in those emotional experiences, which is rumination, can get ugly, impacting your mood and attitude for prolonged periods of time. That won't change what is happening, or what other people are doing. Make your decision, grieve the consequences of the decision for a little while, and then move onto more healthy emotional experiences. Don't rush this. I talked about the danger of rushing through your emotional experiences in my last post. But also, don't linger.
How do we move on from the sadness that comes from making the tough decision to cancel holiday plans? Savoring. Savoring is the act of thinking about a past (or current, or future) experience by engaging all of your senses in the memory (or current experience, or anticipation of future experiences).
Research from positive psychology has helped us understand the immense power of savoring. It activates our senses and our memory that are attached to positive experiences, allowing us to re-experience those positive moments all over again. Savoring a moment of delight, excitement, love, joy, awe, or gratitude? You get to re-live that same emotional response all over again! Along with the stress buffering, resilience building benefits of those positive emotions.
When I think of savoring, I think of my morning coffee and mountain trail runs. They both have vivid sensory information that draws me in and brightens my mood.
My morning coffee is a ritual for me, in the comfort of my own kitchen, usually. Nice strong coffee, pressed from freshly ground dark roasted beans. A touch of caramel syrup in the bottom of my cup, with the coffee poured over it, and topped with my favorite soy or almond milk, frothed to perfection. When I savor this moment, either past, present or future experiences, I can smell the blend of the dark roasted coffee, the frothy almond milk and the sweetness of the caramel. I can see the steam rising off the mound of frothed milk. I can taste the amazing flavor of all three blended together. It is delicious, and I look forward to it every morning. When I cannot enjoy a cup for real, I think about it, engaging my senses of smell, taste, and vision, to enjoy the last cup I had, and the next cup I will have.
I have a similar experience when I think about my favorite mountain trail runs. The smell of the pine trees at high altitude. The crisp and clean air, breathed in heavily when running up hill. The view of the canyons or valleys below. The sound of the trail crunching under the weight of my trail shoes, the sound of the birds flying overhead, and the squirrels scurrying in the brush. I can close my eyes and take myself there when I am missing that experience. I have done that a lot during the pandemic!
You, too, can savor. Any experience, one you have already had, one you are having right now, or one you are anticipating having in the future. For the holidays, we can savor past holidays, using all of our senses to engage in those memories. We can also savor future holiday experiences. Research tells us that anticipating and planning future experiences provides us with similar benefits as the experience itself. So, plan your next holiday gathering while you are missing this one. Who will be there, what you will do or eat. The sights, the smells, the sounds, the tactile experiences of holding loved ones close. Bathe yourself in the sensory experiences from the past and future to strengthen your resolve now.
Choosing to savor instead of ruminating is a healthy decision we can all make right now, when we are likely to be making even more sacrifices than have already been made during the 2020 shit show. Our sacrifices are many and varied, and will be unlikely to end soon, given the current state of the pandemic. Hang in there. We are in this together. You are not alone. Even when if feels like it. Even when you may be incredibly disappointed about sacrificing yet again, giving up time with family this holiday season. This is an investment in your health, your life, and the health and life of your family members, community members, and many people you do not know but may have interacted with during your travels. This is an investment in humanity. It is an act of kindness. Don't forget that.
Savor on.
Be well, stay safe, and take care.
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