Yesterday, I wrote about the value in making a daily list, and I hope you found it meaningful. In that post, I briefly mentioned the importance of making a long term 'to do' list, in addition to the daily 'to do' list. Today, I want to talk a little more about that long term list, and how important it is to our mental health and well-being during such chaotic times. Can I just, first, request that 2020 be over now? Not the time, but the chaos- can we just fast forward to a day when we live in peace and harmony, and largely, good health? Enough of my rant. Here we go, back to long term lists...
Lists. Yesterday I wrote about the all important, not to be ignored, daily 'to-do' list. Not your partner's or family's 'honey-do' list, but your own 'to-do' list. :) I hope I sold you on the concept and that you are on Day 1 of your daily list! Today, the topic is the long-term list.
Long term 'to-do' lists help us focus on our future with a sense of hope, and help motivate us in the present, to work toward those future goals.
This list is one that you probably have running in your brain, and it also probably is constantly changing, with things getting added, accomplished items checked off, and changes in circumstance altering or removing some items. This list is typically about your life goals. In psychology, we sometimes refer to it as part of a social clock- a socially constructed time line for our lives that is designed to meet the expectations of our culture or family. You know, things like graduate college by xx years, get married by xx years (or not), buy a home/condo/flat by xx years, have kids by xx years (or not), etc.
This list is heavily influenced by our culture and family, but ultimately, if we are to find our life fulfilling, it is up to us to determine the whats and the whens for this big life list.
Research also tells us that, for us to find our life fulfilling, we need to recognize that our list needs to have some flexibility in it. I like to refer to it as the 'shit happens clause'. Life will throw each of us curve balls, like a virus, or civil unrest, or unexpected unemployment, or maybe things like divorce, infertility, or loss of income. When those curve balls come, when we need to activate the 'shit happens clause', it is up to us, or you since we are talking about YOUR list, to decide if this is a time to practice resilience and push through the obstacle, to fight for the things on that list, or if it is time to practice resilience in another way, and change the list.
No one can really make the decision for you: it is up to you to decide if the items on the list are not negotiable, or if they are suddenly unrealistic and necessary to change or remove from the list entirely. Keep in mind, changing an item on the list might be about changing the timeline for expected completion. That is okay! It might be hard to grasp initially, but trust me, lists are meant to be altered. Thank goodness for erasers (or the computer version of an eraser).
Forging ahead or changing the list: This is not an easy decision. While it would be wise to gather information from people you know and trust, only you can make the decision. And recognize that not everyone will agree or understand your decision. That is okay. It is your list.
I remember a very HUGE decision I made a couple of decades ago. It was the combination of several 'shit happens clause' activations at once. After delaying my professional aspirations to be a stay at home mom, going through a divorce and going back to work as a single mom, I finished my undergraduate work and decided to move with my 3 youngest kids from Illinois to California, so I could pursue my lifelong goal of getting a PhD. Talk about a huge life changing decision! My family was mostly in shock and expressed very mixed attitudes about my decision. Some supported the decision, others thought it was a terrible idea. I did it anyway, and I am so glad I did! It was the hardest decision of my life, the hardest 'to-do' item on my list, but incredibly rewarding. If I hadn't take that risk, I wouldn't be writing this blog today, or fulfilling my career goals as a professor and researcher of Positive Psychology (or paying off massive student loan debt, but that is another topic...)!
Recognize that when you make the decision, to practice forging or flexibility, you are in control of that decision, even if you were not in control of the circumstance that forced you to HAVE to make a decision. When you make that decision, it may be met with uncertainty and mixed responses from others, just like mine. When you make that decision, it, too, is open to it's own 'shit happens clause'. In other words, the modifications on your to do list are also open to modification. Life continually surprises us, for good and bad, and our well-being depends on our willingness and our ability to be malleable to those surprises.
So, keep in mind that having a long term list of goals is typical, and helpful. Our long term list of goals helps us stay focused on the items on the list, motivating us to make decisions and take actions today, tomorrow, and next week, that further our progress toward accomplishing the items on our long term list. Looking at our list and measuring our progress helps us remain hopeful for our future, as well as keeping us motivated to make decisions that are sometimes tough, but ultimately meaningful. Hope. Motivation. Those are two really good things to have in the middle of a pandemic and massive civil unrest. Hold onto them!
To sum up my suggestion to write down your long-term list, here are some tips:
Write out your long term list, and keep it somewhere that is easily accessible and visible. You want to see it regularly to keep it fresh in your mind.
Hang or post that list where you can see it. See comments in #1.
Write it in pencil, so you can make changes.
Make changes.
Be open to activating your 'shit happens clause' when needed.
Know when change happens that you may not want to activate #5, but rather, forge ahead to meet obstacles resiliently.
Make your list known to people you trust, so they can support and encourage you.
Know who to trust with the list, and who you can go to for support when you hit an obstacle. You don't want to go to someone for support if they don't believe in your list/goal.
Make sure your daily 'to-do' list has items that help, not hinder, your progress toward items on the big list!
Celebrate BIG when you check off items on the BIG list!
Did I say be ready to make changes? Expect them. Life happens. As one of my favorite professors once said "chance happens". And it does.
Take care! Be well!
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